This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive
voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom
Friday, March 12, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Engineers
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."
The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
10 embarassing moments
10. masakit ang tyan at hindi na inabot ang cr
9.umakbay ka sa ibang tao na kalo mo friend mo
8.nagulat ka pero walang nagulat
7. nagjoke ka sa madaming tao pero walang natawa
6.panay salita mo wala ka na palang kausap
5.pag na nkikitawa ka sa mga magfriends na nagjojoke sa jeep. Feeling close.
4. feel na feel mo na ikaw ang kausap, yun nasa likod mo pala
3. bihis na bihis ka na. hindi ka pala kasama
2. lumobo sipon sa sobrang tawa
1. tapos sininghot mo pabalik imbes na punasan!!!
9.umakbay ka sa ibang tao na kalo mo friend mo
8.nagulat ka pero walang nagulat
7. nagjoke ka sa madaming tao pero walang natawa
6.panay salita mo wala ka na palang kausap
5.pag na nkikitawa ka sa mga magfriends na nagjojoke sa jeep. Feeling close.
4. feel na feel mo na ikaw ang kausap, yun nasa likod mo pala
3. bihis na bihis ka na. hindi ka pala kasama
2. lumobo sipon sa sobrang tawa
1. tapos sininghot mo pabalik imbes na punasan!!!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Pasalubong
May isang pilipinang nanay na namatay sa Amerika dahil sa heart attack. Pagdating nang bangkay sa Pilipinas ay napansin ng mga anak nito na ang mukha at katawan ng inay nila ay dikit na dikit na sa salamin ng kabaong. Sabi tuloy ng isa, "Ay tingnan mo yan, hindi sila marunong mag-asikaso ng patay sa Amerika". Nang biniksan nila ang coffin, may napansin silang sulat sa ibabaw ng dibdib ng kanilang inay. Mula ito sa kanilang kapatid na bababe na nakatira sa Amerika. Dahan-dahang kinuha at nanginginig na binuksan ni Kuya ang sulat at binasa sa buong pamilya:
"Mahal Kong mga Kapatid,
Hayan na si Inay! Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang inay sa pag-uwi diyan sa Pilipinas sa dahilan na napakamahal ng pamasahe. Anyway, pinadala ko kasama ni inay ang:
- dalawampu't apat na karne norte na nasa likod ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo.
- anim na bagong labas na Adidas Rubber shoes...isa suot-suot ni Inay... ang lima nasa ulunan ni Inay...isa-isa na kayo riyan.
- iba't ibang klaseng tsokolate, nasa puwit ni Inay...yan na lang ang ipasalubong nyo dun sa mga taga-barangay natin...
- anim na Ralph Lauren na t-shirts suot-suot ni Inay...para sa iyo, Kuya, at isa-isa ang mga pamangkin ko.
- isang dosenang Wonderbra na gustong-gusto ninyo, mga kapatid ko, suot-suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo riyan.
- dalawang dosenang Victoria Secret na panties na inaasam-asam ninyo, suot-suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na rin kayo, Ate.
- walong Dockers na pantalon suot-suot din ni Nanay. Subukan nyong ibenta dyan. Kapag mabili ay magpapadala pa ako.
ang Rolex na hinahabilin mo, Kuya, eh suot-suot din ni Inay.
- ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas na gustong-gusto mo, Ate, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na.
Bahala na kayo kay Inay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya dito. Balitaan niyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing.
Ang Nagmamahal ninyong kapatid,Nene
P.S. Pakibihisan na lang si Inay pagkatapos..."
"Mahal Kong mga Kapatid,
Hayan na si Inay! Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang inay sa pag-uwi diyan sa Pilipinas sa dahilan na napakamahal ng pamasahe. Anyway, pinadala ko kasama ni inay ang:
- dalawampu't apat na karne norte na nasa likod ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo.
- anim na bagong labas na Adidas Rubber shoes...isa suot-suot ni Inay... ang lima nasa ulunan ni Inay...isa-isa na kayo riyan.
- iba't ibang klaseng tsokolate, nasa puwit ni Inay...yan na lang ang ipasalubong nyo dun sa mga taga-barangay natin...
- anim na Ralph Lauren na t-shirts suot-suot ni Inay...para sa iyo, Kuya, at isa-isa ang mga pamangkin ko.
- isang dosenang Wonderbra na gustong-gusto ninyo, mga kapatid ko, suot-suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo riyan.
- dalawang dosenang Victoria Secret na panties na inaasam-asam ninyo, suot-suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na rin kayo, Ate.
- walong Dockers na pantalon suot-suot din ni Nanay. Subukan nyong ibenta dyan. Kapag mabili ay magpapadala pa ako.
ang Rolex na hinahabilin mo, Kuya, eh suot-suot din ni Inay.
- ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas na gustong-gusto mo, Ate, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na.
Bahala na kayo kay Inay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya dito. Balitaan niyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing.
Ang Nagmamahal ninyong kapatid,Nene
P.S. Pakibihisan na lang si Inay pagkatapos..."
Monday, March 8, 2010
Sintomas ng mga Sobrang adik sa Chat
Sintomas ng mga Sobrang adik sa Chat
1. pasmado ang kamay
2. ulcer
3. lumulobong eyebags
4. warak na warak na bladder
5. tumatawa kahit walang tao
6. nagsasalita kahit walang tao
7. kinikilig habang tumitipa sa keyboard
8. nagkwekwento na gumagalaw ang daliri kahit walang keyboard
9. delingkwente sa trabaho at eskwela
10. lumiligaya ng sekswal kahit hindi nahihipo (psst... mga nagsa-cyber diyan..lol.)
11. kapag naiinis..parang gusto mag .(dot) kill
12. Walang kaibigan na me pangalang normal...
13. Hindi na kilala ng pamilya...
14. nanginginig kapag nalalayo sa computer
15. madalas manigas ang daliri
16. Inaatake ng kung anu-anong sakit kapag nasisira ang modem/down ang ISP
17. Kapag nakakarinig ng paulit ulit na nagsasalita na tao ang isinisigaw eh "stop flooding"
18. Ayaw ng maglunch pag nakaumpisang magchat
19. Overstay sa office instead of overtime.
20. ASL pa rin ang tanong pag nakikipagkilala in person.
21. BRB pa rin ang sinasabi sa teacher o sa Boss kung pupunta sa CR..
1. pasmado ang kamay
2. ulcer
3. lumulobong eyebags
4. warak na warak na bladder
5. tumatawa kahit walang tao
6. nagsasalita kahit walang tao
7. kinikilig habang tumitipa sa keyboard
8. nagkwekwento na gumagalaw ang daliri kahit walang keyboard
9. delingkwente sa trabaho at eskwela
10. lumiligaya ng sekswal kahit hindi nahihipo (psst... mga nagsa-cyber diyan..lol.)
11. kapag naiinis..parang gusto mag .(dot) kill
12. Walang kaibigan na me pangalang normal...
13. Hindi na kilala ng pamilya...
14. nanginginig kapag nalalayo sa computer
15. madalas manigas ang daliri
16. Inaatake ng kung anu-anong sakit kapag nasisira ang modem/down ang ISP
17. Kapag nakakarinig ng paulit ulit na nagsasalita na tao ang isinisigaw eh "stop flooding"
18. Ayaw ng maglunch pag nakaumpisang magchat
19. Overstay sa office instead of overtime.
20. ASL pa rin ang tanong pag nakikipagkilala in person.
21. BRB pa rin ang sinasabi sa teacher o sa Boss kung pupunta sa CR..
Sunday, March 7, 2010
face-lift for his birthday
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
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